How long should No Contact last for it to work? The growth of one person from a breakup differs a lot from the other. If you have gone through a toxic relationship then you can’t heal yourself the same as you do after having an amicable breakup. To get yourself back and to reflect on your situation the No Contact might last from 30 days, 45+ days, 60 days, 90, or permanently. It is important to know that the time frame of No Contact is linked with the reason that you’re doing No Contact and how much effort you give during it. In the beginning, it is very hard to face the reality and maintain No Contact, but once you set a time frame for yourself then you’ll notice that it is easier to concentrate on the results. To know more in-depth how long the No Contact lasts (time frame manners), here are 6 different time frames: ~ 30 days of No Contact Rule: During 30 days you do not contact or interact in any way with your ex; ~ 45+ days No Contact Rule: During 45+ days you do not call, text, interact with them on social media, or meet casually in person; ~ 60 days of No Contact Rule: is a time frame when you do not interact with your ex in any form because you need a long time to move from the breakup and gain a new perspective of that relationship; ~ 90 days of No Contact Rule: means being distant and not breaking the No Contact at all. You can use it when you need to get away from any relationship that had a negative effect on you. ~ Permanent No Contact Rule: Permanent No Contact is the never-ending No Contact. Oftentimes you set the time frame of more than 30 days the least, and then you extend it to never look back. ~ Limited No Contact Rule: You and your ex keep simple and short communication when you need to talk about mutual responsibilities. 11 different types of situations and when to use the 6 types of No Contact:
1. If the breakup was mutually respected
You show signs of maturity in the relationship if you notice that the relationship isn’t working and it would be better for both of you to part ways. To nourish yourself after a breakup that both of you were aware of that the relationship is over, the No Contact would last 30 days up to 45. 30 days is a good start to have a new perspective on yourself and your past relationship. Since you are hurt but at the same time, you were expecting something like this to happen, the process of healing is shorter than usual.
2. If you were in a long-term relationship
Being in a long-term relationship requires more time to heal and reflect than just dating for a few months does. It is a difficult process to deal with since within days you go from investing your time and feelings for a long time in this relationship to no communication at all. After 45 days of No Contact, you can start to feel that you are not numb anymore from the breakup pain. Now, you want to be more focused on yourself and try new things. The 30 days of no contact serve you as a pivot of starting to go back to yourself and to find the purpose of your life. Acknowledging and recognizing life without your partner. The extended length helps in shaping your ideas of what is the right relationship and right partner. Learning new ways of life, and unlearning old ways of doing things.
3. If you had a bad breakup preceded by previous fights
In some relationships, the pre-stage of the breakup is pretty obvious. This stage is a warning sign that there is something wrong with your relationship, that things aren’t working correctly. At these times you might choose ‘love’ instead of yourself, at times you might convince yourself that nothing is happening, or that you can do better than this. Instead of doing that you should take your time and choose the 45 days of No Contact. During these days you are going to understand yourself better and see a bigger picture of your relationship. In two months, you will only start to understand that maybe you’re not the one to blame. You will create an idea of what you should do differently if you find yourself again in that situation.
4. If your ex has moved on to someone new while you were implementing No Contact
In this case, instead of focusing on what your ex is doing, focus on the 30 days No Contact rule with the possibility to extend it. It will take more time for your ex to closely know who their new partner in this rebound relationship is. After 30 days, the breakup will hit your ex too. Know that your ex will be confused not knowing what to do just like you. During your 45+ days of No Contact, you will start to know if your feelings for your ex have changed or if you see any chance to reconcile your relationship. Note: Be aware that during this time, even if you focus only on yourself there will be some critical times when you will feel the urge to contact your ex or even find out what they are doing with their new partner. Try not to give up on No Contact even after two weeks or more by focusing on things that you want to change.
5. If you were part of a toxic relationship
To come back to your senses and think clearly whether you want to continue to be part of a toxic relationship you need to spend more time apart. That would be 45+, 60 days, 90, and sometimes permanently. If you were in a relationship with a narcissist or a controlling person then the No Contact should last from 45 days and continue until you have broken all the chains from this type of relationship. During this time the narcissistic ex will come back from time to time and that’s the reason why you should extend the No Contact Rule. This way, you will have the power to control your thoughts and feelings, and continue your healing journey. In this case, you need to extend the No Contact Rule up to forever so you can be healed and free from your ex.
6. If infidelity was the cause of your breakup
It is pretty difficult to break up because of infidelity. That will leave you shattered to pieces, confused, and your self-esteem will be crushed. This time you will need a long time to firstly pick yourself up and then think about what real love or relationship could be. The first 45 days will help you in coping with the pain and finding the will to go through grieving. Then the 60 days will help you in finding the will to relearn to love yourself again. After 2 months you will be okay with the idea of starting to live on your own, accepting the past as it is. Then in the following 90 days, you will slowly start to create a new life and a new you. After being cheated, most of the women choose to not get back in this type of relationship and choose No Contact to get over their ex. There are exceptional cases but men use the No Contact to prove their value to their ex and re-attract them.
7. If your ex tries to contact you during No Contact
Depending on your situation and the reason why your ex decides to come back during this rule, you’ll know when to break No Contact. If your ex wants to let you know that he or she has outgrown and sees a future with you, that’s when you can reconsider the idea of breaking No Contact. Otherwise, if your ex comes back for personal interests you can extend No Contact according to your needs. Note: If you and your ex broke up on good terms or had a terrible breakup and your ex doesn’t contact you within 30 days, don’t focus on that, just continue being distant. After 30 days both of you will start to heal in different forms. Both of you will be able to reflect on yourselves and the breakup.
8. You had a short-term relationship
Even relationships that lasted up to three or four months, have their post-breakup difficulties, especially adding the No Contact into the mixture. Knowing exactly how long to do No Contact depends on how you felt and the depth of emotional connection you had in the relationship (despite it being short-term). Being at the beginning of a relationship can mix up your thoughts and not let you see the situation from a different point of view. In this situation, 30 days are enough to clear your head and decide whether dating your ex was relevant and if you had meaningful feelings for him or her. The 30 days of No Contact in short-term relationships is meant more as a way to find out what you feel about your ex and what you’ve learned from the relationship. That is more than just a healing process.
9. If you have mutual responsibilities
If you and your ex might work in the same place, share a house, or have a kid together then you can use the limited No Contact. That means that if you find yourself in any of these positions you can use No Contact as long as you keep it a short and strict conversation with your ex. Having a short conversation means that you can give yes, no, short answers and not dwell any further on the conversation. This can last as long as you have these mutual responsibilities and don’t part ways for good.
10. If you were their first love
Being someone’s first love sometimes gives them the right to wonder what if there is someone else better than you. That’s the reason most couples break up when they experience a relationship with their first love. They start getting used to you, take you for granted, and then decide to search for something better. If you wonder how long it takes No Contact to work in this situation, then you should use the 30 days of No Contact with a chance of extending it. If your ex started to lose interest and attraction just because he or she got used to you, then 30 days is enough to just give them a push to reconsider their decision. You should give yourself more than 30 days to solve the puzzle of your feelings: Whether you want to be with someone who wasn’t able to nourish their feelings for you or you want to take a journey to learn to spot the right one.
11. If you go No Contact after an argument
Using No Contact after an argument is different from using it when you decide to end things. The No Contact rule after an argument should last at least one week depending on the type of your fight and argument. A week is enough to calm down and see things from a different angle. Thus, if you want to give you and your partner a chance to reconcile things and talk, just send a simple text to break No Contact and check on them. Take your time and don’t reach out until you notice you’re not emotionally overwhelmed by the happenings of the situation. Your decision will be thought clearer that way.
How long does the No Contact last to get my ex back?
The main goal of No Contact is to help yourself in getting over the breakup but at the same time, you will give your ex the space and time to miss you or get used to your absence. The scarcity that is caused by No Contact helps in making your ex miss you, no matter if they want to get back with you or not. ~ If your breakup was a terrible one and you have been in a long-term relationship then for No Contact to work you should be distant for more than just 45 days. If the breakup has been very painful and you keep your distance for a short time then that will make you look desperate, needy, and prevent the process of your healing. You won’t be able to make the difference between what you want and what you need from what you got and what you had. To rekindle a romance, first, you need to be free from all the pain and negativity. That takes more than just a span of 45 days. ~ If you have been dating shortly then 30 days are enough to make your ex wonder what you’re doing during these 30 days. During the third week, your ex will beat around the bush and search for ways to know if they have a second chance or if you still think about them. ~ If your ex is a stubborn one and doesn’t take the first step of reconnecting with you then start off with 45 days of No Contact Rule. This is enough time for even a stubborn ex to reflect on their mistakes and decide whether they want you in their life. If you too feel like going back to this relationship then try to initiate a text to just break the ice after No Contact. His or her reply will give you the chance to know what to expect from them. ~ If you decided to give yourselves a break and broke up on good terms then 30+ days No Contact is the right time frame to give both you and your ex some space to reflect on how you react to one another’s absence. After using their space and the needed time, your ex will want to reconnect with you.
6 mistakes to avoid when deciding on how long to go No Contact
There are a few things to check out before deciding how long you want to be in No Contact, always according to the situation you’re in.
- Don’t set a time frame assuming that you are capable of getting your ex back within those days. It is normal to think that after the breakup but try to always set aside 30 days of No Contact and look at it as a challenge to just focus on yourself.
- Avoid using the 60+ days of No Contact to make your ex miss you more. Use this time frame if you need a longer time to get over the breakup but never use it to make your ex ‘curious’. On the contrary, that will give your ex the wrong impression. Use it wisely. If you had a terrible breakup and were part of a toxic relationship then the 60 days of No Contact is the bare minimum to put yourself back together.
- Learn to adjust the time frame of No Contact according to your situation. Don’t stick just for one and then make the wrong decision. You can combine different time frames even after you start using the No Contact.
- Never think that when you decide to go No Contact for some time and let your ex know that you’re waiting for them, they will come back. On the contrary, that won’t let them think clearly and decide whether they miss you or want you back. Use this period for yourself, for your development, and for getting your things back together.
- Don’t set the time frame of No Contact imagining false outcomes or imagining what your ex will say. Decide how long you will want to go for No Contact for yourself. Don’t have false expectations from your ex during that time of No Contact. It’s normal to start imagining scenarios, since a breakup comes with pain, and leaves a lot of things half-baked. However, it’s important to set limits to prevent yourself from creating unrealistic expectations.
- Do not settle for a certain time frame to just be friends with your ex and then jump into a relationship with them. If you set a time frame thinking of first being friends with your ex and then getting back with them that will make you more confused than you were. This might hurt you and No Contact won’t have any effect. Take time to clear up your mind, and find out what it is that you truly want and whether those wants will suit your needs or not.
To wrap this up: How long should I go No Contact with an ex?
To choose the right time frame of No Contact you should know why you’re using the No Contact Rule and what are the expected outcomes. Start with the base form of 30 days and then along the way decide whether to shorten it or to make it longer. As always, be bold and do not use the No Contact just for the sake of using it. Use it to be reborn and learn from the experiences you had in your relationship with your ex. It takes time, but you’ll grow and thrive once you become aware of the benefits this period is providing you. Warm regards, Callisto
